After a Miscarriage
What to say:
"I'm sorry about your miscarriage."
Simple words that mean a lot
"I know how much you wanted this baby."
Acknowledging that a precious life has been lost
"It's okay to cry."
This lets him know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness
"I really don't know what to say."
Being honest and letting her know you are there for her
What you can do:
Send a card or flowers.
This lets them know you are thinking of them and you care
Do let her talk as much as she needs.
Sharing helps people heal
Do offer to help with the other children and housework.
This lets her know that you understand that her body has been through a big change and you will help where you can
Do call and check up regularly for a while and see how things are going.
Grieving takes time and knowing someone cares helps immensely
What NOT to say:
"You can always have another."
They want this baby! And maybe they can't have another. This comment is often very offhand
"Now you have angel looking after you".
They didn't want an angel. They want their baby back!
"It's for the best"
How? The best is a successful healthy pregnancy!
"At least you didn't know your baby!"
Whether the baby was held in the parents arms or their minds, it was real in the hearts of her parents.
"There must have been something wrong."
Don't try to find the "silver lining".
"Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?"
This is not the time for blaming or finding guilt.
"Have you ever thought of NOT having children?"
That's just hurtful
"Be grateful for the children you have!"
I am but I still need to mourn the child I lost!
"It probably won't happen again"
But it can happen again! So this is no consolation.
"Be brave; don't cry"
"Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world!"
Right now it feels like that though.
"You should be over it be now!"
why!?This is not something you just 'get over'
"You're young, you'll get over it"
What does age have to do with pain!?
"Time will heal."
Time will make the pain easier to bear yes, but that is no help at the moment
"At least it wasn't older"
It still matters and it still HURTS! In general it's best not to start with "at least" as it can sound as though you are trying to brush off the tragedy.
"It was Gods will" OR "God wanted him/her with him" OR "God needed another flower in his garden/angel in heaven"...and so on!
Such comments can have the effect of making a parent very angry and bitter with God; which may block a possible source of comfort.